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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Line
Fine
Lines
Someone
Giving
Humping
Maneuver
Dry
Stranger

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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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