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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stranger
Line
Fine
Lines
Someone
Giving
Humping
Maneuver
Dry

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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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