Quote

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Give
Wave
Giving
Arms
Something
Happen
Fire
Show
Shows
Panic
Happens
Scream
Around
Catch

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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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