Quote

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Give
Wave
Giving
Arms
Something
Happen
Fire
Show
Shows
Panic
Happens
Scream
Around
Catch

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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin