Quote

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Shows
Panic
Happens
Scream
Around
Catch
Give
Wave
Giving
Arms
Something
Happen
Fire
Show

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin
Image
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
Image
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
Image
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
Image
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
Image
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin
Image
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
Demetri Martin
Image
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
Image
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
Image
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
Image
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
Demetri Martin
Image
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
Image
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
Image
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin
Image
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin
Image
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin
Image
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
Image
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
Image
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
Image
I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
Demetri Martin