Quote

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Way
Guess
Annoyed
Reader
Apparently
Sort
Slowly
Voice
Tone
Moving
Possibly
Nothing
Excuse
Sometimes
Sorry
Mind
Supposed
Referred

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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Demetri Martin