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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Airplane
Thank
Realized
Forgotten
Soon
Parachute
Stills
Parachutes
Still
Runway
Jumped
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin