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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Realized
Forgotten
Soon
Parachute
Stills
Parachutes
Still
Runway
Jumped
Airplane
Thank
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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