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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stills
Parachutes
Still
Runway
Jumped
Airplane
Thank
Realized
Forgotten
Soon
Parachute
More quotes by Demetri Martin
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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The earth without art is just eh.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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