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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Jesus
Mosquito
Mosquitoes
Biting
Receives
Bites
Communion
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
Demetri Martin
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
I just found out that I have more allies than America!
Demetri Martin
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Demetri Martin
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Demetri Martin
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
Demetri Martin
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Demetri Martin
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
Demetri Martin
