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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Bites
Communion
Jesus
Mosquito
Mosquitoes
Biting
Receives

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
Demetri Martin
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
Demetri Martin
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Demetri Martin
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Demetri Martin
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Demetri Martin
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
Demetri Martin
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
Demetri Martin
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Demetri Martin
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
Demetri Martin