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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Assholes
Preferred
Car
Interesting
Black
Many

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Demetri Martin
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
Demetri Martin
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
Demetri Martin
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
Demetri Martin
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Demetri Martin