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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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Day
Year
Halloween
Give
Strangers
Reason
Dislike
Giving
Specific
Even
Wearing
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Stranger
Reasons
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
