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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Please
Whole
Would
Like
Wipers
Windshield

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
Demetri Martin
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Demetri Martin
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
Demetri Martin
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Demetri Martin
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
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I've never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin