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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Wipers
Windshield
Please
Whole
Would
Like

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
Demetri Martin