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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Really
Stabbed
Thinking
Ring
Melody
Rings
Tone
Loud
Ears
Lawmaker
Maybe
Lawmakers
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
