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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Thinking
Ring
Melody
Rings
Tone
Loud
Ears
Lawmaker
Maybe
Lawmakers
Really
Stabbed
More quotes by Demetri Martin
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
Demetri Martin
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
Demetri Martin
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
Demetri Martin