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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Think
Regular
Thinking
Bear
Totally
Dancing
Blame
Worse
Bears
Would
Mauled

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin