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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Worse
Bears
Would
Mauled
Think
Regular
Thinking
Bear
Totally
Dancing
Blame

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
Demetri Martin
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
Demetri Martin
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin