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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Sofa
Sofas
Productivity
Enemy

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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin