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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Sofa
Sofas
Productivity
Enemy

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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin