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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Enemy
Sofa
Sofas
Productivity

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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Demetri Martin