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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Enemy
Sofa
Sofas
Productivity

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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Demetri Martin