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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Important
Businesses
Tiny
Small

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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin