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I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Allies
Found
America

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Demetri Martin
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
Demetri Martin
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin
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I've never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin