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I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Allies
Found
America

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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin