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I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Allies
Found
America

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Demetri Martin