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I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Allies
Found
America

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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin