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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Sometimes
Feels
Work
Really
Things
Like
Thursday
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Demetri Martin
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Demetri Martin
It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
Demetri Martin
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
