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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Really
Things
Like
Thursday
Sometimes
Feels
Work
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show.
Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Demetri Martin
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Demetri Martin
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri Martin
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Demetri Martin
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
