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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Society
Someone
Able
Ever
Jive
Wonder
Call
More quotes by Demetri Martin
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Demetri Martin
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin