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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Impossible
Cyclops
Winking
Wink

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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Demetri Martin
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin