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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Cyclops
Winking
Wink
Impossible

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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Demetri Martin
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin