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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Body
Thing
Mind
Beer
Indian
Thanks
Says
Food
Another

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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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