Quote

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Trying
Margarita
Stains
Frozen
Remove
Conscience
Blood

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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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