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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stains
Frozen
Remove
Conscience
Blood
Trying
Margarita

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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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