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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Pets
Pet
Celebrate
Independence
Americans

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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
Demetri Martin