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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Independence
Americans
Pets
Pet
Celebrate

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Demetri Martin
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
Demetri Martin
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin