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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Americans
Pets
Pet
Celebrate
Independence

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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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