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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Pets
Pet
Celebrate
Independence
Americans

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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin