Quote

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Waiting
Remember
Important
Scheme
Much
Schemes
Something
Grand
Always
Helpful
Things
Wait
Maybe

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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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