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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Shirt
Shirts
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Demetri Martin
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin