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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
Demetri Martin
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
Demetri Martin
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Demetri Martin
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
Demetri Martin
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
Demetri Martin
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Demetri Martin
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
Demetri Martin
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin