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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Littles
Little
Thing
Babysitter
Ironic
Baby

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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