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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Babysitter
Ironic
Baby
Littles
Little
Thing

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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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