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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Ironic
Baby
Littles
Little
Thing
Babysitter

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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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