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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Overheard
Restaurant
Restaurants
Conversation
Listening
Stop
Today

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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri Martin