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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Listening
Stop
Today
Overheard
Restaurant
Restaurants
Conversation
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin
