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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Bags
Friend
Says
Much
Way

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Demetri Martin
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin