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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Weapons
Difficult
Life
Jacket
Jackets
Ironic
Murder
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri Martin
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
Demetri Martin
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Demetri Martin
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin