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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Murder
Weapons
Difficult
Life
Jacket
Jackets
Ironic

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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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