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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Control
Guy
Often
Make
Mopeds
Would
Fats
Ride
Guys
Behavior

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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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