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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Would
Fats
Ride
Guys
Behavior
Control
Guy
Often
Make
Mopeds

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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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The earth without art is just eh.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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