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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Control
Guy
Often
Mopeds
Make
Fats
Would
Ride
Guys
Behavior
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin
