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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Often
Make
Mopeds
Would
Fats
Ride
Guys
Behavior
Control
Guy
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
Demetri Martin
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin