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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Find
Rodeo
Root
Roots
Animals
Animal
Difficult

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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin