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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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More quotes by Demetri Martin
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
