Quote

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Way
Okay
People
Streets
Show
Shows
Kids
Pictures
Give
Weird
Giving
Street
Kind
Picture

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin